Joanne Palmer: There ought to be a law |

Joanne Palmer: There ought to be a law

Joanne Palmer

In 1989, Joanne Palmer left a publishing career in Manhattan and has missed her paycheck ever since. She is a mom, weekly columnist for the Steamboat Pilot & Today, and the owner of a property management company, The House Nanny. Her new book "Life in the 'Boat: How I fell on Warren Miller's skis, cheated on my hairdresser and fought off the Fat Fairy" is now available in local bookstores and online at or

— We say it all the time: “There ought to be a law.” But what would be on the list? I’ve been polling friends and pondering what I’d do if only I had a magic wand and the power to pass legislation. Here’s the list:

– Do not turn the busiest intersection in town (Third and Lincoln) into a slalom course during construction.

– Reverse the aging process. Beauty begins at 60. Let young people deal with wrinkles, crow’s feet and sagging body parts.

– Outlaw the word “plethora.”

– Make retirement years between the ages of 22 to 32. Collect social security first; pay it back later. Start career when you’re rested and relaxed.

– Ban animal hair. There really should be an invention that prohibits animal hair from collecting on clothes, car seats and furniture.

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– Stop announcing bathroom habits. Hardly a day goes by when I’m not treated to comments such as, “Something really nuclear happened in the bathroom.” More information than I need to know. Really.

– Get rid of those airport sinks that require you to wave to start the water. It’s hard to determine if the sensor is broken or you aren’t doing the correct movements. While you stand there wildly gesticulating, other women give you the sideways stink-eye glance that telegraphs this message: When is this loser going to figure it out?

– Banish tornado shelters in women’s restrooms. At Denver International Airport, the tornado shelters are located in the bathrooms. In the unlikely event of a tornado, do you want to hunker down on a cold tile floor with 800 other women all waving their hands at sinks?

– Prohibit Christmas music in stores before Thanksgiving.

– Make Monopoly money real. Wouldn’t that be a great economic stimulus package?

– Banish three-way mirrors in dressing rooms with awful florescent lighting.

– Put a limit on the number of plastic surgery procedures a person can have. Otherwise, it looks like Halloween every day of the year.

– Outlaw shrink-wrap. It’s impossible to open some products without a hunting knife and the plastic doesn’t degrade for 1,000,000 years. Ditto for plastic bags in the produce section of grocery store.

– No homework.

– Banish injuries while exercising. And while we’re on the subject, what’s up with the fact that it takes six weeks to get in shape and only two minutes to get flabby and out of shape?

– Attention, Mother Nature: Weekends should always have nice weather. And why not have five-day weekends and two-day work weeks?

– Outlaw daylight savings time. By the time I have finally “sprung forward” it’s time to “fall back.” Enough! Farmers can plant in the dark.

– Please, oh please, have hot coffee at our bedside when we wake up.

– Stop over-automation. Talking to a human should always be the first option when calling a customer service line.

– Ban grumpy teenagers. Parents require daily satisfaction to have a teenager, rather than waiting 10 years for even a smile.

– Prohibit cell phones in checkout lines.

– Outlaw working on weekends.

– Prohibit being put on hold on the phone and ban those annoying infomercials while waiting to talk to someone.

– Cancel the “welcome valued customer” greeting at the grocery store. If I am so valued, why am I scanning groceries myself?

– Forbid snow before Nov. 1 and after April 1.

– Ban e-mails promising fame and fortune if you forward the message to at least five, eight, 10 or 100 people.