Joanne Palmer: The beer is behind the jelly, dear |

Joanne Palmer: The beer is behind the jelly, dear

Joanne Palmer

In 1989, Joanne Palmer left a publishing career in Manhattan and has missed her paycheck ever since. She is a mom, weekly columnist for the Steamboat Pilot & Today, and the owner of a property management company, The House Nanny. Her new book "Life in the 'Boat: How I fell on Warren Miller's skis, cheated on my hairdresser and fought off the Fat Fairy" is now available in local bookstores and online at or

Just in time for Father’s Day, I’d like to announce my latest invention.

A device so revolutionary, so state-of-the-art, so golly gee exciting that millions of women across the nation will thank my colleague, Dr. Von Fleaburg, and me. Yes, ladies, the good Dr. Von Fleaburg and I have solved a problem that has plagued women since the refrigerator was first invented in 1915. After many hours, nay, days of tinkering in the garage, Dr. Von Fleaburg and I have designed a GPS system with voice prompts for men who can’t find the mayo, the mustard or the football-field-size container of leftovers in the refrigerator.

Medical science has not caught up to me and my esteemed colleague Dr. Von Fleaburg yet, but after hours of observation from a hidden camera in my kitchen and exhaustive scientific research, Dr. Von Fleaburg and I have made a startling discovery: It is not a man’s fault he can’t find anything in the refrigerator.

We now have scientific proof that because of synaptic overload in the sports center of a man’s brain, certain messages cannot be transmitted. I will not bore you with the technical details of our double-blind study, except to state the results in the simplest terms my scientific brain can muster: There is a light-paralyzing phenomenon that occurs when the refrigerator door is opened. The shocking burst of light actually paralyzes the synapses in the brain that guide men’s navigational abilities. They simply cannot tell right from left; up from down.

The poor dears!

Furthermore, this light paralyzes the muscles in their arms and prevents them from moving items in the refrigerator. The neurotransmitters, which might fire a message to the brain such as, “Move the grape jelly to find the beer,” cannot function. Let me repeat: cannot function.

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The poor, poor dears!

To make matters worse, the blinding light then freezes all leg muscles. This frightening occurrence prevents them from bending their knees to see if an item might be on a lower shelf.

The poor, poor, poor dears. It’s a wonder they can get out of bed in the morning.

This light-paralyzing phenomenon is not limited to just the refrigerator. It also occurs from the light emitted by the television set, which is the reason Dr. Von Fleaburg and I created the remote.

Here is how our remarkable invention works:

A small device attaches to the outside of the refrigerator. So men will be motivated to use it, the device is shaped like his favorite piece of sporting equipment: a pair of skis, tennis racquet, golf club, football, etc.

For example, let’s say you live with an avid sailor. The GPS system is shaped like a tiller and attached to the outside of the refrigerator. Here are some scenarios:

Man: Where’s the bacon?

GPS (British accent): Ahoy, mate! It’s on the third shelf to the port side of the mustard. The best way to get there is to bend your knees just a bit and hope you don’t capsize on your kiester.

Health Conscious Dieter: Honey, where is the low-fat tofu yogurt? I want to make a zero trans fat smoothie.

GPS: Tofu yogurt hasn’t been invented yet, thank goodness. Let loose and go for the ice cream in the freezer.

Snowboarder Dude: Yo, bro’, where’s the leftover lasagna? Also need to do the Dew.

GPS (in rap style voice): Jib don’t jive, and there you’ll be. It’s on the bottom shelf, there don’t you see? Dude, the Dew is on the door. Grab some and high five your bro’.

There’s still time to order your GPS for the fridge navigational system. If you don’t like this invention, stay tuned for our next one: a toilet seat that automatically closes.

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