Eugene Buchanan: The 12 Days of Christmas, Steamboat-style |

Eugene Buchanan: The 12 Days of Christmas, Steamboat-style

— Forget the partridge in a pear tree, turtle doves and drummers drumming. How about we all get the 12 days of Christmas, Steamboat-style? To wit (and try to read without singing), on the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me . . .

1) Scratch the Partridge in a Pear Tree. How about we go with Powder in the Bear Trees. This is named for a secret spot us backcountry aficionados go to for unequivocal powder turns. And there’s no bird poop to scoop up.

2) Instead of Two Turtle Doves, how about something simpler and more practical, like Two Marmot Gloves, from that new Marmot store downtown? Especially after this past hand-circling, sub-zero weekend. In particular, how about the Randonee, made from Thermal R synthetic, with great dexterity, comfort and warmth for just 100 bones. Plus, the fingers are soft for that embarrassing nose wipe.

3) Sorry, French Hens, you’re outta here. But how about three cups of that spoon-slurping French Onion soup from Carl’s Tavern? You know, the one with three different types of onions, port wine reduction, a Mount Werner-sized crouton and gruyere cheese?

4) Calling Birds? Really? How about calls from the powder report hotline (970-879-7300), automatically programmed to dial you whenever it dumps eight inches or more? OK, OK, we can let it have that little bird whistle as the ringtone.

5) Say it loud and say it proud (with the proper hesitation): Five Golden Leafs! Gift certificates, that is, for everything under the indica and sativa sun. And you wonder why Santa is always so jolly and laughing all the time, and eating every plateful of cookies around.

6) Geese-a-Laying? Sounds like a lot of honking and turd-cleaning. Just ask our neighbors, Shelli and Shawn. Instead of a goose-a-laying, let’s go with For Moose-We’re-Praying, sending our best wishes for a speedy recovery to town icon Moose Barrows.

7) OK, Swans-a-Swimming conjures up a pretty sight, but where will they go come winter? Old Town Hot Springs? (You ever notice that these gifts include a lot of birds?) No, for this one, I’ll go with Sans-Clothes-Swimming, or soaking, at the Strawberry Park Hot Springs. After dark, of course, to hide my swan-white belly.

8) Maids-a-Milking. How about we settle for Maple Bacon Donuts at Milkrun? Those things are seriously the bomb, blood pressure be damned. Though eat too many, and you won’t have to worry about too many maids coming around.

9) Ladies Dancing. Not much to dislike here, especially for all the male ski bums in town. But how about we get a few more shaking their stuff at Schmiggity’s? And perhaps some more Ladies Nights and Two-step Tuesdays?

10) Let’s replace Lords-a-Leaping (which sounds feminine and flappy-panted) with Skiers-a-Jumping on the newly restored 90-meter jump at Howelsen Hill (thanks Gerber-Berend Design Build). Bonus present: the new terrain park at the former tubing hill.

11) Pipers Piping. This one begs a call-out to construction workers finally finishing the storm pipes on Yampa Street. So let’s give them some extra elf-power to actually finish before Santa takes to the skies next holiday season.

12) Drummers Drumming aren’t bad, as long as you’re not hungover. But since we have the world’s only marching band on skis right here every Winter Carnival, let’s give them some a-rumpa-pum-pum love with some Steamboat earmuffs for those frigid temps, and some Vaseline for those poor, lip-on-metal tuba players. And, oh yeah, some more African drum nights at the Depot Arts Center.

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