Explore Steamboat
Joanne Palmer: Snoops need more scoops
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
The best daily entertainment in Steamboat Springs is The Record in the Steamboat Pilot & Today — a daily chronology of police, fire and ambulance calls. Admit it. I read it; you read it; we all read it.
Joanne Palmer: Dude, that was awesome
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
According to the second edition of the esteemed Oxford English Dictionary, there are 171,476 words currently in use in the English language. However, after a three-day holiday weekend, only three words were used in my household: “awesome,” “dude,” and “I-need-more-fireworks” (said with such speed it sounded like one word).
Joanne Palmer: Traffic is killing my pie obsession
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Here in Steamboat Springs we have two seasons: winter and construction.
Joanne Palmer: Ditching ‘Perfect Woman’ in aisle five
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Sharpen up that No. 2 pencil and get ready for a pop quiz. What is your worst nightmare?
Joanne Palmer: Gentlemen, start your engines
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Writer Henry James once said the most beautiful words in the English language were summer afternoon.
Joanne Palmer: The beer is behind the jelly, dear
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Just in time for Father’s Day, I’d like to announce my latest invention.
Joanne Palmer: Press 3 to send me to Fiji
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
I just had the worst fight of my life. Not with a family member, co-worker or a stranger. Oh, no. That would have been easy. Instead, I pitted myself against an automated phone answering system. I yelled at a robotic voice. Railed against technology. Went toe-to-toe with option number two. The annoying voice asked me what seemed to be the problem and I snapped, “You are the problem. You are driving me crazy!”
Joanne Palmer: Le weekend
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
The other day I decided it was time to take a day off. I think I had a day off about 19 years ago. That was before I moved to Steamboat — and when I still had a regular Monday-to-Friday job. That job, to the best of my memory, offered something called weekends.
Joanne Palmer: When Mother Nature writes
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
It has come to my attention that the residents of Steamboat Springs are getting annoyed with me, Mother Nature. Therefore, the following memo will review the most recent performance of each season with a suggested plan for improved performance and productivity. Please implement all suggestions immediately. Let’s get our ducks in a row!
Joanne Palmer: Confessions of a Lacrosse Mom
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
I’m a Lacrosse Mom. Before my son started playing lacrosse, I knew nothing about it. After the first season of lacrosse, I still knew nothing about it.
Joanne Palmer: Hair mousse and toe cleavage
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
I forgot to pack my cleavage! I’ve taken a few trips out of Steamboat recently and after spending time in airports and the “real” world, I’m here to tell you every woman who is ready, willing and able is sporting cleavage.
Joanne Palmer: Where, oh where, is my personal masseuse
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
This is a column about how my fantasy life awakens me each morning by singing in my ear.
Joanne Palmer: Stop the whining
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Let me always live in a town where the biggest problem is a baseball tournament. Let me always live in a town where a bear rummaging in a Dumpster makes the police blotter. Let me always live in a town where the residents are so passionate about issues that they take the time to express their opinion in a thoughtful way.
Joanne Palmer: Trumped!
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Last week, I discovered the secret to retirement savings.
Joanne Palmer: Advice to live by
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
No one wants advice. Even friends who ask you for advice don’t really want it. They just need to vent. Family members don’t want advice, and your children … forget about it! They so don’t want to hear the wisdom their parents have gained throughout the years.
Joanne Palmer: Who said there are no stupid questions?
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Are you the consommé?” a brain surgeon asked the concierge at Steamboat Springs’ most prestigious ski lodge. The startled woman looked up, and without missing a beat said she’d prefer being called the soup du jour. And so begins the end-of-season ski swap — sharing stories, not equipment, among the people paid to keep a straight face when tourists ask funny questions.
Joanne Palmer: Clock changing and quantum physics
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
What time is it? Is it new time or old time? I’ve been asking myself these important questions a couple of bazillion times a day since we all dutifully “sprung forward.”
Joanne Palmer: Six words or less
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Baffled by Sudoku? Confounded by crosswords? Here’s something new to try.
Joanne Palmer: Do not send me a postcard
Wednesday, Feb. 27, 2008
Even though Hallmark has not officially recognized it, residents of Steamboat Springs know there is a certain week in winter where it is OK to be depressed. Blues Break — a dreadful seven-day period where certain people with frequent flyer miles, large amounts of money and jobs that aren’t tied to the resort industry get to skedaddle out of town.
Joanne Palmer: This time, I mean it
Wednesday, Feb. 20, 2008
I am a liar. This is a hard thing to admit, especially in print, because up until recently, I’ve considered myself a scrupulously honest person.
Joanne Palmer: ‘Grouch Potato’
Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2008
Welcome to Steamboat Springs, home of the newest reality TV show, “Grouch Potato.” In this first episode, we will meet and interview several contestants to determine their grouch factor index. The grouch factor index is calculated using a complicated mathematical formula — kind of like the one used for the caucus — where factors such as amount of snow shoveled since Dec. 1 are multiplied by the number of days spent on the couch instead of at work. Other criteria are: relationships with friends and family (have you called your mother lately?) and number of ski days vs. number of sick days. Bonus points are available for the contents of the contestant’s refrigerator. Fast food, fried food and junk food can catapult a contestant to the winner’s circle. Subtractions will be made for leafy greens, organic food and soy-based products. The winner will receive an all-expenses-paid trip for two to Sun City, Ariz.
Joanne Palmer: The four stages of winter
Wednesday, Feb. 6, 2008
The thoughts, events and feelings depicted in this column are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or otherwise is merely coincidental.
Joanne Palmer: Write blindfolded
Wednesday, Jan. 30, 2008
Recently, someone asked me if I have any insecurities as a writer. I had to respond, “How much time do you have?”
Joanne Palmer: Warning signs of cabin fever
Wednesday, Jan. 23, 2008
If the four walls of your house seem to be closing in on you, and you can’t remember the last time you smiled you may be suffering from cabin fever, winter doldrums, January blahs, seasonal affective disorder or all of the above.
Joanne Palmer: Fat Fairy for president
Wednesday, Jan. 16, 2008
Down at the local barbecue stand (campaign headquarters for the Fat Fairy), we caught up for a quick Q&A session with the candidate.
Joanne Palmer: Celery gimmicks
Wednesday, Jan. 9, 2008
Scene One: Interior of darkened Steamboat Springs home. Woman lays on couch with shades drawn, a half-finished bag of potato chips, French onion dip, chocolates and a water glass full of celery next to her on the floor.
Joanne Palmer: New for ’08: a lifetime of guilt
Wednesday, Jan. 2, 2008
In case you’re already feeling guilty about New Year’s resolutions — that you didn’t make or keep any — I have some good news for you. New Year’s resolutions are out. Passé. Bye-bye.
Joanne Palmer: A local dedication
Wednesday, Dec. 19, 2007
Dedicated to all locals who must work this holiday season. I don’t have space to list all of you but a super big thank-you to:
Joanne Palmer: Friendly letters
Wednesday, Dec. 12, 2007
Greetings from the Jordan family: Jackie, Jim, Jerry, Jasmine and Jewel and Jingles, my little Chihuahuas.
Joanne Palmer: Holiday horoscopes
Wednesday, Dec. 5, 2007
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Rewrap. Regift. Rejoice. You have found a home for the white elephant you got last year. Now, someone else will have a toilet plunger that sings, “I’m Too Sexy for the Bowl.”
Joanne Palmer: In love with Mr. Mail
Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
He was everything I wanted. From the moment we met, I was smitten. As soon as my fingertips brushed against him I was head over heels. He wasn’t handsome, and he certainly wasn’t rich. But he had other qualities.
Joanne Palmer: Go ahead, take my day
Thursday, Nov. 22, 2007
Every seven minutes someone’s identity is stolen. So, why did they forget me? If anyone would like to be me, I’ll gladly give you my social security number, checking account number, the keys to my house and my banged-up, 1995 Subaru with over 100,000 miles on it. Here’s a sample of what you’ll get.
Joanne Palmer: I’ve got the genes for embarrassing moments
Wednesday, Nov. 21, 2007
There are two kinds of people in this world — those who can wear a white shirt and eat spaghetti with marinara sauce, and those who wear marinara sauce on their white shirt when eating spaghetti.
Joanne Palmer: Ready … set … snow!
Wednesday, Nov. 14, 2007
With the change of season comes a long to-do list of things to get done before the snow flies. In case you need a reminder, I’ll share my list with you.
Joanne Palmer: Not just for talking
Thursday, Nov. 8, 2007
Press one if you’d like to read this column in English. Press two if you’d like to bypass this column and go straight to your horoscope. Press three if you’d like to buy this column by waving your cell phone over it.
Joanne Palmer: Busted!
Wednesday, Oct. 31, 2007
After an early round of trick-or-treating, my dear sweet 10-year-old son calmly announced:
Joanne Palmer: Calling Detroit
Life in the 'Boat
Wednesday, Oct. 24, 2007
Most mothers double as chauffeurs driving their children here, there and everywhere. We are forever running late, to lacrosse practice, Winter Sports Club programs, racing across town to return overdue library books and making late night trips to the store to buy poster board for science fair projects due tomorrow.
Joanne Palmer: Hunting for groceries
Wednesday, Oct. 17, 2007
Forget Division of Wildlife regulations. Hunting season really begins when herds of bewildered men begin foraging for food at local grocery stores. Watch them, clustered together at the end of every aisle, dazed and confused, eyes darting frantically in every direction — searching, hoping, praying — this will be the place where they bag their trophy: Red Bull! Eggs! Bacon!
Joanne Palmer: Peanut butter without jelly
Wednesday, Oct. 10, 2007
I’m in the process of moving and in between two households. I describe this as being in a perpetual state of peanut butter without jelly — I am always missing one-half of the necessary ingredients. For example, I have an iPod but no headphones, a bicycle but no helmet, dirty dishes but no detergent, coffee maker but no coffee, dog but no leash.
Joanne Palmer: Body by bifocals
Wednesday, Oct. 3, 2007
If you are looking for a new way to shape up for ski season, I have just the solution.
Joanne Palmer: Travel policies
Sunday, Sept. 9, 2007
I have a strict and long-standing policy to never travel with luggage I can manage.
Joanne Palmer: Labor pains
Sunday, Sept. 2, 2007
Because it’s Labor Day weekend, it seems only natural to write about labor, which means I can write about childbirth or jobs.
Joanne Palmer: Real estate mogul ... not
Sunday, Aug. 26, 2007
When the going gets tough, some folks go shopping. Some people give it up to a higher power, while others head off to see a shrink.
Joanne Palmer: The Great Granny Garbanzo Advice Column
Sunday, Aug. 12, 2007
Warning: If you don’t like reading about bodily functions, slime and snot, this week’s column is not for you.
Joanne Palmer: Steamboat myth busters
Sunday, Aug. 5, 2007
The Ute curse is the number one myth in the Yampa Valley. If you don’t hear it from your waitress, you’re sure to see it on a brochure. The story goes that an Indian chief cast a spell of sorts on the Yampa Valley. As a result, visitors are destined to be seduced by its charms and always return.
Joanne Palmer: Steamboat résumé
Life in the 'Boat
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Joanne Palmer traces one man's job hunt progress during the next 6 months.
Joanne Palmer: Literary hangover hell
Life in the 'Boat
Sunday, July 22, 2007
I am hung over. Massively and completely. My head is pounding, but my heart hurts more.
Joanne Palmer: Happy camper?
Sunday, June 24, 2007
The origin of the word camping is derived from the French word campo. It can be defined as: cramming-as-many-of-your-household-possessions-into-your-car-attaching-car-to-pop-up-camper-and driving-as-far-as-possible-from-your-house-only-to-reassemble-all-of-these possessions-in-the-dirt. Once completed, I made this startling discovery:
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